Time

“Good things take time,”

It’s been 6 months since I went through the most traumatic experience of my life. I’ve been a single mother for 6 months, and I’m still as single as I’ve ever been. I’m working 2 jobs, and studying Nursing full time….but I’m so unbelievably down.

I soldier on, and I put on a smile. I pretend to be okay, to the point I actually believe it. I feel okay, and relatively normal. I go through each day, and they blur together.

6 months and I’m still unhealed. I miss everything about what my life was.

I miss being able to lay next to the person who I loved, and they loved me. I miss being able to reach over in the middle of the night to cuddle. I miss being told it’s okay when I have a panic attack.

I only have myself. I can’t stop the panic attacks, I don’t have a hand to hold when I’m scared. I don’t have someone to distract me from my tears. I’m so alone. I hate my life.

I hate this bullshit life that I’ve been given. I don’t want to be a single mum anymore. It’s made me hate parenthood. I just wish i could go back in time. I would do anything…. ANYTHING to go back to before he left.

I haven’t cried in a couple months… I saw a picture of my son and I when he was a baby and I was smiling with him. It’s a happiness I haven’t felt in half a year. I won’t ever feel that warmth, and completeness again.

I’m forever half a heart. I hate everything.

-Ash

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