Hatred

I grit my teeth. I scream until my voice disappears. I cry. I repeatedly punch my pillow until my arms are exhausted. I lose my sense of self and my surroundings.

This emotion inside of me doesn’t come out often. It’s always buried under the hatchet, and covered by the smiles, the laughs and the good times.

I tell myself not to text you, I fight myself. I keep myself busy with countless videos & activities. I have to drown myself with things to the point I don’t have a second to think about what’s happened.

At night when it all falls away, I can’t help but do it. I can’t help but text you. The emotions take complete control of me.

I would do anything…anything in this fucking world to change what has happened with us. Anything to make a stable family for my son. Anything to feel loved.

Why can’t you make an effort? not a single fucking effort to try and patch things up. You made this fucking mess. You destroyed-no- you DISINTEGRATED the very house your family were living in. You kicked your son and your fiancé to the curb and you never…not once thought for a second that this wasn’t right.

You made no attempt to rebuild. You never even handed me a stick to build my own. You are the most selfish, self-centred, egotistical, arrogant prick I’ve ever come across in my whole life.

To think that you were the person I gave my heart to. From surviving a 3 year relationship where I was cheated on, to a domestic violence relationship…you…YOU take the cake.

A dishonest, non-committal father that couldn’t give a single fuck to fight for the family he created.

I wish I never met you. I wish my son had nothing to do with you. He’s going to grow up knowing what a pig you are. He’ll see the pain that his mother is growing with. And I hope he grows to hate you…and I hope he tells you it too.

I’m so angry. I’ve blocked your number. I don’t want to see your face. Hear your name. I want you to disappear from every corner of my brain.

Until then…I wish you hell.

– Ash

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2 thoughts on “Hatred

  1. I’m reading this and can easily relate. The end of marriage or family is always hard. I’m not familiar with your story, but can only share from mine, it gets better. Anger will fade away and you will regain the life you and your son deserve.

    Like

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